Okay, first off it's been awhile since I posted something, and I know I was supposed to start making mooncrickets, which I still plan on doing. But everything at home gad since then, gone down hill pretty badly. Now I don't mean to post this to cry for attention or put a damper on anyone's Holidays. But I just can't not talk about this in some way, it's really hard for me to handle and if I can't get it out of my system and try handling it then I'm afraid I'll just get worse.
From the news there have been times that while crossing the streets I've found myself nearly stopping in the middle of a crosswalk. But I never stopped walking my footing just got slow and it scared me when I realized the thought ever came to me. Anyways, let me get to the point here, I'll do a little summary of how things started out bad and then tell you the bad news.
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Now, two years ago, my Senior year in HighSchool of 2012, things started going bad. I was in my Medical Science class, the class before lunch time, and my phone went off, the sound was off of course but I had my phone on silent mode but I check it periodically in case my mom called. That way I would know to call her at lunch, I had just seen the light go off under my binder, so I carefully pulled my phone towards me and under my notebook. I made sure my teacher wasn't looking and saw it was a text from my mom. She told me something was up and to call her during lunch, so that's what I did, once class ended I called up my mom right away. She wasted no time in answering so I asked what was so important.
That's when she dropped the bomb, my sister Stacey, one of favorite people in the whole wide world, was diagnoses with cancer. I felt myself break, I was quiet and tried to find out what stage and they said she would have to go through the tests and treatments. So she asked if I wanted to be picked up early and I said yes, I wasn't sure I could handle the rest of the day with that news weighing heavily on my mind.
Now fast forward a few months into summer vacation, my sister was in Chemotherapy by that time. And I gotta say, it was hard just to see her in the hospital and it took everything I had to not cry when I saw her. I mean she was still herself, it was just hard to believe that my sister who was super healthy had cancer. We stayed a whole week that summer visit, and got to see her.
Fast forward again, only about three months, it was end of October beginning of November. Doctors said my sister had done well with the Chemo and the cancer had been pretty much "taken down". But we couldn't really call it remission because technically in order for that word to be used it has to be like 4 or 5 years without cancer. So she simply won a battle, which meant she was here for Thanksgiving, so that holiday came and went. Come beginning of December, like the first week of the month. My mom and I are at the mall doing our Christmas shopping, we were having fun and just bought Stacey the most fun hat ever. Fluffy and rainbow and warm just overall cool, but we got hungry and got lunch at the mall. While we ate, my mom got a phone call, I dunno why, but I had a bad feeling just as the phone rang. It was like a rock in the pit of my stomach, my mom answered it, it was Mike, my sister's husband. Five minutes didn't even pass before I saw it; my mom was crying, why? Stacey was back in the hospital with cancer. She was too weak to even do chemo again, the first rounds had left her weak. It took everything in me again to fight back those tears, so we put the cool hat on me and took a picture and sent it to Mike to show Stacey her present. We weren't sure she would've made it to Christmas, but she did, and New Year's.
Now come mid January, that's when I felt myself break again, another phone call, Stacey had about a week left. So my mom and I packed up and left, we just had to be there, the hardest part was watching family go into my sister's room in and out. I couldn't do it, it hurt knowing she was in their fading away. I didn't go into the room until the last day of our visit, when I saw my sister laying there in that bed. I felt my story with her end and the world I shared with her went dark. All that was there was a shell of who she was, my mom and I were in that room for two and a half hours. I had to be strong, so I still didn't cry, I didn't cry until the following week when I heard she passed on in her sleep. It was hard, we mourned, but we didn't do it forever since she wouldn't want us too. But that year of 2013 was very hard, everyone felt it and it affected my grades at the college since I got busy with work and trying to help with what I could. That year came and went, the holidays were hard because something was missing.
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Now come 2014, my worst fear crept up on me without even realizing it. None of us expected it to even happen, we thought those last two years would be it. That there would be no more hard years, we thought we could start a new year with everyone happy and recover from the hard blows. But, then my mom dropped the bomb; she found a lump in her breast.
She had made an appointment with the doctor, and they had done the tests. It took about a week or so for the results to come in, but once the results came in our fear was confirmed, my mom did in fact have, breast cancer. It's not like we didn't already figure it out just from the fact she found it, obviously we knew what it was gonna be. So, along with that, came a third long and hard year, doctor appointments followed, along with tests for weeks back to back.
There had been several other things that had pushed back the surgery to get the lump removed, and along with one of those issues, is my mom had stints. And when stints are placed in your body, you get put on blood thinners so the veins don't clog, so they doctors were afraid to do the surgery. But after a lot of jumping up and down and holding our breathe, we finally got them to agree with each other that my mom wanted this and that she believed they could get it done.
There was a bit of a scare after her surgery, she had been placed in the ICU, but she was fine. She had been afraid she was gonna die but she didn't. But that week of the surgery was during my final exams, so I had gone to all of my teachers and they all set up dates with me to come into different classes to get it done. Well all of them except m french teacher who waited until the week of final tyo frickin email me while I was gone that week to try and schedule a day for me to come in after that week on days that I had work or days where I had already agreed to go in another time of my classes to make up an exam. So I failed french, which didn't surprise due to a stupid mistake she didn't catch until the day after the class started which left me always falling behind and couldn't drop the class because it was too late.
But the summer was hard, I picked up hours at work, and my mom was now finding herself having trouble getting in and out of the car. And eventually late summer early fall, she couldn't drive, and I still don't have my license since I walk everywhere and I don't go that far anyways and work is right around the corner. But I'm working on it.
Now come the fall and colder weather starting, my mom now had a scooter, and man she was speed racer for days on that thing. She had so much fun feeling freedom and just having a grand old time on that thing, she almost ran me over with it, which was funny. We were having a lot of fun, but my mom was getting sick again. So she had to go into the hospital for about a week so they could help her get better and she came home feeling only a tad better.
Now come November, where now the worst starts, I've become my mom's in home service care provider because she needs help a lot more now; going to the bathroom, taking a shower, getting dressed and I make her meals.
She couldn't make the dinner, so we went out for a buffet, there was another reason behind that but all I can is that Raley's (grocery store) it stupid and I'm never ordering a catered dinner from them. But my sister and I made the cake and pies for dessert, it was fun, got to lick the pot of the lemon from the lemon meringue pie. It's the best tradition my mom and I have, we made them all in one night. It was fun, but weird things had started to happen in between the end of the month. I would find my mom sitting up at 2 am sleeping, and I had a full conversation with her that she couldn't remember. But I told her she had seen something, she told me that she had seen "Flying Doughnuts"only for her to tell me what she had seen was halos from the angels who had been visiting her every now and again at night. She told me they were waiting for her, and so I just held back my fear that ran through me.
So now we're at December, this was my four days off from work, Thursday my first day off. I went with her to her doctor appointment, we discussed about things that had happened. And my mom mentioned a few things that she had seen that no one else did, she was seeing things that weren't really there. That's where we get to the end of my story, the doctor confirmed; my mom is dying.
They discussed what to do, and the end result of the prescriptions, she didn't mind, she felt ready. Now if you know anything about when people pass on, when they get hospice or in the hospital, the very last pain killer that is ever prescribed, is Morphine. That's the one that not only knocks out the pain like a rock, but it also sends the person into a deeper sleep, meaning they can pass on in their sleep.
I talked to my mom and I told her, she can't leave me before Christmas, New Years and SacAnime, cause I want to spend those two days with her and show her my pictures from the convention. She promised, and I pick up the morphine on Wednesday.
But today, today I was angry, I was begging my sister Stacey who was already dead. I was begging whatever power there is, just to give me one day that I have to have with my mom; Christmas. But why was I begging?
My mom dropped it on me; she can't promise Christmas. So that forced my hand, I went to work, and the moment I got there my manager, who's like a second mom to me. Saw me and asked if I was okay, it was the first time I shook my head, we were still on the opposite sides of the counter when she asked what was wrong. It took me a second to even find my voice and before the words even left my mouth tears were already falling again. So I told her what my mom said, and before I knew it, I was bawling, she had me come around to the back and before I even got to the door she was already out and she had her arms around me and I was holding onto her tightly crying.
It was the first time I ever cried in front of my coworkers, my second family. I explained to her I would start needing the empty boxes we got from our cones and ice creams. Because I would need them to pack up my stuff to move out, I told her my mom said she would try to make it to the christmas party. But if not, then it would be my sister.
But, I just can't handle this anymore, three years straight, all bad years, all ending with me losing my two favorite people. Even right now, I'm trying not to cry, I just want her to see Christmas get put up in the house with our new tree, I want her to see her present.
If I could have on wish, just one wish for christmas, it would be for my mom to be all better and healthy so she can still be here.
I'm scared, I can actually feel the pain and loneliess already. I don't wanna lose my mom, she's the only mom I have, because the one thing I know, is when she does leave, I'm gonna cry for my mom since she was always there when I was sad and crying.
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This isn't fair in anyway, I'm only 20, I don't feel ready to be on my own without her. I don't feel like I've learned enough, I'm not ready to be without my mom. I'm angry, and scared, all I can do is hold my tears back around my friends and family and then cry by myself. I'm seem as strong to those around me, and I need to be strong, but this is the hardest thing to ever do.
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Made by:
Wolfvids
